When You Dream

There is a song I have long adored by the Barenaked Ladies: "When You Dream". As far as I know, it was never released on radio and is a lesser known track on one of their mid-career albums ("Stunt" I think).

But I love it. The lyrics, written I believe for the lead singer's new son, perfectly capture what it feels like to watch a baby sleep and dream.

"With life just begun... a sleeping new son... has eyes that roll back in his head. They flutter and dark, he slows down his heart and pictures a world past his bed. It's hard to believe as I watch you breathe... your mind drifts and weaves...

When you dream, what do you dream about? When you dream, what do you dream about? Do you dream about music or mathematics or planets too far for the eye? Do you dream about Jesus or quantum mechanics or angels who sing lullabies?"

We rock Violet to sleep at every nap and midnight wakening... so we watch her sleep a lot. Usually in our arms. And staring down at her moonlit face, it's hard not to wonder what's passing through that beautiful brain of hers.

Does she remember Ethiopia? Her nanny? Does she expect to wake up there?

Does she chase the cats and Daniel through her dreams? Or eat her fill of papaya and green beans?

Does she have nightmares? Is fear going to be a permanent part of her dream world? Will she always fear abandonment? Does she worry that we won't be there in the morning?

Does she think of my face? Does she remember the happy times from the day before or the time I scolded her for touching the cat food?

She's been so very happy since we met her... no major signs of the grieving you're told each and every infant must go through when they leave their birth country and place of comfort. But sometimes that grieving will start a few weeks in, after the baby is situated in their new home. As someone who's had nightmares their entire life, I'm worried that her grieving process will start in her dreams - alone, in the dark.

But for all I know, she's dreaming of chocolate cake and ice cream.

I love that little girl so very, very much.