The Wait. Again.

Waiting, waiting and more waiting.

Our little girl's medicals are taking a long time, but not because it's bad news. So far, she's been healthy in every test result we've seen. The holdup is the required second HIV test and the reagent necessary to administer the test.

Honestly, I didn't think that the wait AFTER receiving photos and a referral would be this hard. Since June of 2008 when we began this process, the focus has been on receiving a referral, and the wait that happens until that point. Never did I think about the wait in between seeing your child's face and actually meeting them - it's been brutal.

I know this stage will fade from memory as soon as we're past it... but for right now, it seems interminable.

Of Two Minds

My heart is so confused.

We have nine beautiful photos of a beautiful baby girl who could very well be the daughter we've been waiting for. So why am I not doing cartwheels and jumping jacks every second of the day?

My heart should be happy - instead, it's retreating. And I know it well enough to know why: It's scared. So many things could go wrong - her health... legal issues... document problems... The sea of uncertainty has quietly convinced my heart to stay unattached.

There is safety in distance, but there is also... distance. Deep down, I know that my cautiousness, while seemingly warranted, is nothing more than fear is disguise. I'm scared of getting hurt and having my heart broken.

How incredibly selfish.

That precious little baby is alone, in an orphanage, without family, without the comfort and parental love we take for granted every day. Her hope for a mother is now with me, and I'm emotionally unavailable for fear of losing her?

In her first few months of life, she has lost more than most people lose in a lifetime. She needs someone to have faith and be fearless for her - to take her future firmly into their heart and not give up.

So, I've decided. My first parental act towards this sweet new life will be: Hope. I will put my faith in God, and His plans for her life. She is first and foremost HIS child and He loves her more than I could ever imagine.

And so far, His plans have led her to us - it's such a beautiful story already - hope from tragedy. Beauty from sadness. And I will not allow my faithlessness and weak attempts at self-preservation to ruin or darken this miracle in the making.